Love Is A Decision

This is something I wrote a few years ago that gives a glimpse of my testimony.

I believe there is power in sharing our stories. So my prayer is that this might help someone by hearing my words. The enemy wants our testimonies silent.//

Just read these word’s and they resonated deep within me…

“Love is not a feeling; it is a decision.”

In the early days of raising my step sons, I was going through emotional turmoil. In order to be an instant mom at the age of 26, God had to do some major destruction on my flesh. I was the “baby” of my family, and I had been living independently as a young adult up to that time. I hated sharing. I had OCD with cleaning, and I put way too much value on my “things.” I was entering a family that needed so much love and so much healing, and God CHOSE “me” for that job?????(lol). Well… God is God and though those early days were some of the toughest days of my life.God had a masterpiece in mind for those sweet three boys of His.

I was fighting some tough demons in the beginning. I had to completely come to the end of mySELF. I cried too many times to count fearing that God chose the wrong person. I literally hated myself. I wanted to be able to change (from myself) to fit that perfect mommy mold SO bad. I hit my head against the wall SO many times, and I would try,and try, and try again. But, Erin, in the flesh, could not, and would not, ever be able to by herself. I was on a downward spiral, and I was chasing my tail. The thing during that turbulent time that I remember so vividly was having nighmares that the Cinderella story that God gave my husband and I, was coming to an end. I lived days of feeling defeated. I lived days mourning what was to come. I was devastated, and at the end of myself. I felt like I was looking through a window at something I wanted SO bad, but would never be able to touch, or taste, or help, or hold.

God gave me a vision of two little boys when I myself was a little girl. I KNEW God had brought me there. I knew anything besides changing meant being OUT of God’s will for my life because He had given me a vision of them. So to fail was NOT an option.

That story would be the DRIVING FACTOR of literally one day falling on my knees, (and then on my face.. Lol) and giving my LIFE to Christ. And may I just clarify that I had already given my life to Jesus at the age of 19. I had just yet to activate my faith and FOLLOW Him.

I have the memory of that moment burned into my mind. I can see it like an out of body experience.

I told (or begged) God to take ALL of me. ALLLLL of ME…. And committed my LIFE to HIM. I told Him I would do it His way for the rest of my life. I just never wanted to be “ME” again.

The VERY next MORNING, I got up super early and opened my bible and searched for answers like there was no tomorrow.

I have been doing this routine EVERY single morning since THAT DAY all those years ago.

The first book I read besides reading my bible was Just Like Jesus by Max Lucado. It would be the first of MANY that God would use to help transform me. He started with JESUS. ( I think that this detail of what He had me start with is crucial) Jesus was and STILL is my foundation and idol. I still to this day tell Him that I can’t live the life He has called me to without Him…. Without Him filling me every single day with His Spirit.

And back to love being a decision…

There were days in that transforming ( I’ll be transforming until the day I die) but in the early days… That knowing I couldn’t love those boys like they NEEDED to be loved…. I would go to wake them up in the morning, (several mornings) and would stop on the stairs, on my knees, and ask Jesus to love them through me, because what I had wasn’t enough for what they deserved. They needed HEALING love and SACRIFICIAL love as they were coming from brokenness. The love I had to offer wasn’t the kind to penetrate through their hearts and heal, and how could it? At that time I was completely full of SELF. But the defining part is that I WANTED to be different. I WANTED to KNOW this kind of LOVE.

I had to choose Jesus… Lay down myself…. And choose to LOVE.

I did not always FEEL love in those difficult times, but I CHOSE it. It was a daily decision.

Jesus is a daily decision. Putting on love is a daily decision. Resolving to be obedient is a daily decision.

My life is far from perfect, but because of that ONE decision that day, my decision to follow Jesus who IS the perfect example of love, I am able to be a part of that beautiful story I longed to be a part of.

He has blessed our socks off and is still in the process of making a masterpiece. Our story is a story of redemption. God had this plan all along. He through, Jesus, took what the devil meant to devour and destroy, and made it a story of triumph and beauty.

NOW you (all who made it to the end of my rambling) know the reason for my daily obsession of knowing, searching, and sharing the Jesus. He is my PASSION. He SAVED me.

God took this broken girl, and is making me whole, and allowing me to be a part of His story. And for that I owe Him my life.

I could always go on for hours, maybe days, at all He has done in and through my life, but for now I will close with the verse that made me reminisce this morning.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self‑seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (NIV)

Perspective changes when you place your name at the beginning of those descriptions… Re- read the verse with “your name” And let it wash over you this morning.