Last night I was having a HORRIBLE night of NOT sleeping. After a couple hours of trying, I realized I hadn’t taken my sleeping medication that I’ve taken for years. It was too late to take it with worry that it would affect me waking up and feeling good.
I was absolutely miserable and my alarm was going off at 4:45.
In the few hours I attempted sleep I began dreaming VERY vividly.
I was fully awake before my alarm ever went off, so I slowly made my way to make my coffee.
Every time I dream I try hard when I wake to recall as much as I can as I’m waking up. God speaks to me in my dreams very often. I’ve made it a habit to ask Him to, and I’ve learned to expect it. Sometimes I realize it’s Him instantly and I wake up, but also sometimes I realize or get revelation after reflecting on what I remember.
Without going into too much personal detail, as I was remembering I remembered my husband in the dream and having a knowing that we were a couple. There was intimacy between us and the same feeling of the work we put into our marriage and life together.
BUT in a whole other phase of my dream there was another man who had the most beautiful eyes and the way he looked at me was mesmerizing. I felt completely known, completely vulnerable, and completely DESIRED. The way He looked at me made me feel deeply loved with a sense of full contentment. I remember him telling me that he knew and loved everything about me; every quirky detail, every detail of my past, all my imperfections… he was smiling as he told me. I remember in my dream feeling the most love I had ever felt.
While I was dreaming I did not know who the man was, but after waking and immediately trying to recall and not lose it, I was thinking, “ Wow. That was intense!” And immediately I almost felt a little weird about it being another man, but as quickly as that thought came a whisper from Jesus came to my heart saying, “Erin, that was Me…
I AM the only One who can fully love you like you crave to be loved and fully give you contentment in being desired and treasured.
Never take your eyes off of Mine.
Keep locked into my gaze.
I am your source of fulfillment and I will NEVER leave you.”
I wanted to stay paralyzed in that revelation. I begged, “Lord, don’t let me EVER, EVER forget that encounter.”
I was wrecked the whole morning thinking about it. I often wonder why me? Why do I get to have these encounters when I spend so much time begging for those I love to have them?
His grace. It’s unfathomable. It’s beyond logic.
He was giving me encounters years before I knew Him. Years before I loved my Bible. Years before I surrendered my life to Him.
He just continues to pour grace and love over me.
I don’t deserve it. I could never earn it. I’ve gotten so many things wrong so many times.
I’m in a season where I’ve had a lot of questions about churches, Bible translations, preachers… who’s getting it right? Was the context of those words correct? Am I believing wrong?
And Jesus just swoops in and says, “ Erin, I’ve been leading you your entire life. Just keep following me. Keep looking. Keep asking. Keep expecting.
Don’t fall into the trap of trying to figure me out. Don’t waste your days, your hours, your precious moments. Just be lead by Me. You hear My voice.
And peace ushers in.
Then I cry tears of gratefulness because He’s always been faithful to me whether the issue is small or large. I’m completely undone by the love and the grace He’s given me.
The day before the night of my dream Mike and I had some time together which is rare. It was absolutely gorgeous outside so we went on a jog together and came back to the house with some more time to enjoy before little ones start getting home. Over the last few months we have been reading a devotion together called The Love Dare. I’m sure many of you have heard of it.
Since we had been reading it separately I asked him if we could start reading it together.
That day, after our workout, I asked him if he wanted to read it together. He said sure and said HE would read it.
I stood behind him as he read hugging him with my head on his back. These are moments I’ve yearned for for years. Two hearts together postured to love and learn from our Heavenly Father.
I was listening to him read something that wasn’t just good but rather profound.
The devotion said that as a husband and wife our chief objective should be to honor the Lord with devotion and sincerity.
I don’t know how many times I’ve felt the hurt feelings of Mike not making me feel special. Or upset that it doesn’t occur to him to think outside the box and make me “feel” desired. I am guilty of wanting to be treated like a princess and falling into the trap of disappointment.
This was a deeper revelation that I should take that expectation off of him. It sets him free and it sets me free.
Our focus should be on Jesus. Our source of fulfillment should be FROM Him and not from one another. He alone should be our source and our supply.
This is how we were created. It’s how we are wired. We were made to crave.
Our spouses were never meant to be the one to fulfill our desire to be desired!!
As Mike was reading I received it. I was in agreement. I could see in that moment how this WAY and TRUTH sets us both free of the expectation to fulfill each others needs. We should be so grateful for this.
As I was dreaming that night Papa gave me a gift by making what He was teaching me in that devotion a reality so it could become real or manifested in my life.
He leaves me speechless. I really have no other words. He just continues to blow my mind by His love for me. I don’t fully grasp the depth of it, but I want to with all my heart. It’s my core desire while I’m on this earth. Every other lofty idea for what life is supposed to be about fails in comparison to knowing His love.
Eyes Of A Lion 