Eyes Of A Lion

The other day was “one of those days” where everything “seemed” to be coming against me.

I wasn’t on the same page with my husband (Like how I worded that nicely?). One of my children was acting not like themselves toward me, but was actually behaving defiant which is not normal. And another child did something that deeply upset me.

Anyone else have those days??

I don’t have them often but I’ve learned when everything in me feels overwhelmed and like lashing out in anger, it’s the very thing I DON’T need to do.

I was feeling very angry and very hurt and my woe is me and how dare you feelings were trying to take over.

I NOW know that these are my OPPORTUNITIES to use my faith.

It’s the same as training, training, and training for the competition against your rival, and the moment you have been training for is upon you.

Instead of acting out of the emotions I was strongly feeling, I paused and I prayed. I went for a walk and sat outside talking to Papa.

Not so long ago I would of called family or a friend and asked for advice.

Now His heart and direction is what I want most. I seek it first and I’ve learned that He is so faithful. He’s there just waiting like a loving Father. I can sit with Him and NOT just pour out my heart, but hear His answer and direction.

When hearing His voice is the most important thing in your life, you will hear Him. He isn’t just a sounding board for your troubles. He answers. He loves and comforts. And He will tell you what to do.

My heart was aching and feeling overwhelmed so I told Him about it. Then I listened.

I sat in the quiet outside under the sky and I told Him I needed to hear Him. I needed direction because I knew what I was “feeling” could potentially make a mess of things.

I imagined what I wanted the issue with one particular child to look like. I was conflicted with whether to give a consequence to the wrong behavior (which I believe in but isn’t always the right action to take) OR to share my hurt heart and disappointment in love. I love this child so much it hurts and I care more about the relationship than I do just being a parent barking rules and then punishing them when they mess up. My heart was truly burdened and I needed guidance.

I imagined what the perfect scenario would be and tried to feel what it happening that way would feel like. Then I imagined it happening.

Then in an instant I heard my answer from Papa.

I questioned His answer a teeny bit, and then I heard His sweet assuring voice again.

Oh my word He is so good to me.

Then as if His answer wasn’t enough, He painted the sunset red right before my eyes. This was Him affirming me to leave no doubt in my mind.

His love and goodness leaves me undone.

I followed His instruction and the result was NOT what I was fearing and what I expected, but EXACTLY what I imagined and hoped for.

I was feeling so much love from my Father and His never ending faithfulness to me that fear of the other issues with other family members melted away and guess what?

Perfect love cast out fear.

And guess what else? I had just experienced God’s love in me, and for me, and my mind was made up that it was true for my other situations within my family as well. When you believe it and fix your mind on it, it happens no matter what it looks like.

God is for us and just waiting for our trust. He’s so so good.

We can’t even imagine how much He loves us and wants us to live in FREEDOM. His hand is reaching out and waiting for us to take hold of it and to walk with Him in this life HERE until one day we will be walking with Him forever.

Walk in love with Him. It’s the best adventure.

Kingdom Within My Mind

The other day in the parking lot of Lilly’s school I was battling negative thinking.

All the things that were going wrong and that I was focusing on were coming to a head. It was just the result of letting my guard down because I was feeling overwhelmed.

After I dropped Lilly off in the line and was leaving God broke right through the mess I had allowed to fester in my heart. He spoke so clearly to me just as He had the day before.

The day before He literally broke through the natural realm and told me to come to Him and that everything was going to be ok.

I believed Him that everything would be ok. I think what happened in my heart was just that my duties greatly increased. My normal routine was off. The condition of my home made me feel out of control. Then after feeling rattled I started allowing frustrations in people I love to grow. It was a snowball effect.

Leaving Lilly’s school parking lot I clearly heard my Papa say, “ Erin, self pity is a choice. I’m right here waiting on you to choose me instead. I’m just a thought and choice away.”

My heart and my mind exploded with thought about what this meant. I thought to myself, “wait a minute, this is exactly what I preach to my kids. I can just forget all those legitimate worry’s and be consumed with Jesus? I can worship and be with Him and not care at all about everything that was just making me furious? I can just “let” that person get away with what they did”? And I didn’t even have to hear an answer back. Right in that moment I chose Jesus and I literally felt a ton of weight be lifted off my shoulders. It was insane.

I literally just practiced what I preach.

I was set free.

This is exactly why Jesus died for me.

In an instant with the Holy Spirit ministering to my heart and choosing to see myself go to Jesus, everything changed. He was waiting on me. The second I let go and turned my attention to Him He quickly embraced me.

My perspective had radically pivoted and joy filled my heart.

This, friends, is confounding to the wise.

It’s so simple yet beyond profound.

And that person who wronged me? We where both set free because I allowed Jesus to be in control. I was dancing in my spirit at the thought of immediately being set free from the thoughts that I needed to do something about their actions. Thoughts that I needed to fix their behavior.

Recognizing what I was doing and choosing to see past the issue in love. That is the freedom that seems not logical or natural.

Bitterness, unforgiveness, resentment, and being overwhelmed by all the little things that were happening, LEFT my heart. They disappeared. It seemed too good to be true.

In my mind I saw a child running away from an adult hurt, angry, and crying. They were throwing a fit of sorts and felt overwhelmed by things not going their way. Then I saw an adult pursue them in love and convince them to open their crossed arms. They listened to the calming voice softly whisper in their ear. Still upset but listening the child let the adult sit them on their knee and wipe their tears. The adult lifted them up hugging them as the child laid their head on their shoulder. All weight was transferred to the carrier. In this embrace all anger and frustration melted away. They had no more worries.They were assured that everything was going to be ok.

Instantly the child’s spirit was revived and he was already thinking what he wanted to play with next. He skipped off without a worry in the world.

Perhaps that adult was Jesus and perhaps that child was me.

Last weekend, I had an OPPORTUNITY to use my FAITH. All these opportunities over the years I used to see differently. I didn’t see them as opportunities but trials.

They felt HARD. They HURT. They caused confusion. They disoriented me. They made me ANGRY. They got me into the posture of being OFFENDED. They made me feel FEARFUL. They puffed up my defensive ego called PRIDE.

All of my life until now I was a creature hell bent on being treated fair and treating people fairly.

Papa is patiently breaking this seemingly noble trait in me, because that is what He does. He cleans house in our hearts. He clears our distorted vision, and helps us to see what He sees and to do what He does.

Last weekend was a time for me to do all He has been teaching me and I almost got it right.

My husband did something that offended me. It wasn’t so much that what he did was WRONG. It was that it was something I would have never done to him. I would of gone out of my way not to have done it to him. And it was also that what he did was not what he SAID he was going to be doing. (THAT would be unfair if left up to Erin.)

I sat in my thinking chair beginning to get a little offended. The longer I sat the longer feelings started brewing. THEN, I heard Papa loud and clear. “Don’t be offended, Erin.”

Pretend that you hear me sigh very loudly.

“But, Papa…” I nearly said out loud. “ It isn’t FAIR! I would never do that to him!” I began hearing little thoughts/lies basically negative thoughts of my husbands love for me.

“Erin Elizabeth, I have taught you to not be offended. I’ve taught you to pray and trust, and I’ve taught you to be still, or let go of CONTROL. Doing these things and being obedient shows me how much you love me. It shows me the level of your faith. It protects your heart. Now go on and do as I am telling you.”

So against my will I grabbed up all those thoughts, called them lies, and made them obedient to Christ. I could see them for what they were even though it was extremely hard to deny them. I had to not believe what I thought I was seeing. (Faith not sight)

Although I willfully made that decision, I wish I could say hearing those words from the Creator ‘of the universe’ caused me to jump into action turning from everything I was feeling. I really do. I’m still a work in progress. I was still wrestling those pesky feelings. My head KNEW what to do and I was slaughtering my emotions like a warrior, but there was still a tinge of wanting to get ‘at least’ a word in.

An opportunity for me to tell my husband how wrong he was presented itself to me. I was 99% obedient to what I knew Papa asked of me. I was a little proud of myself because I waged war against my feelings and it’s getting easier and easier, but I was also a little disappointed that I allowed that 1% to have any place in MY heart and my opportunity. I said something small to him more like a jab and justified it by the fact that “I felt” like saying SO MUCH more!

This one percent was still disobedient. And let me tell you a secret. God desires our obedience for our own protection because He loves us.

Papa does not judge me. He just keeps cheering me on. He’s the absolute BEST to have in the corner of your ring coaching you to VICTORY.

I went to bed that night with just a little frustration at the whole scenario, but I was also at peace because I knew I was in safe hands.

I woke the next morning and THIS is what happened. This is my reason for writing this.

A couple of weeks ago on Instagram a pastor requested to follow me. I usually don’t accept request from any males but I felt God’s hand in it so I accepted him to follow me. The pastor had looked at my Instagram and liked two old post.

Any guesses on what those two old post were? The FIRST thing I would see on Instagram?

(((My life is a testament that there are no coincidences with God.)))

The first post that was right there for me to see was;

“Great marriages are not created by people who never hurt each other, only by people who choose to keep “no record of wrongs.” (1 Corinthians 13:5)

(((Sigh))) “Let it go, Erin.” I heard.

And, the other old post right after that one was;

-“For we live by faith, not by sight.” 2 Corinthians 5:7 NIV -There is true Life going on as it is in Heaven happening as we trust Him and let go of this life we are living through our own ability. As we crucify our flesh and walk out His Word trusting more in it than what we are seeing. THIS is faith. THIS is true LIFE. It’s a choice and surrender away. –

I was completely humbled.

I was being graciously saved from myself (my emotions, my feelings, my being offended.)

Papa kindly and lovingly used a random person (“just happened” to be a pastor) my own words, my own revelation, to remind me of His Truth. He didn’t allow that 1% to fester and grow in my heart.

He called me when I woke that morning to sit on His lap to receive GRACE and to make sure I had LEARNED the full lesson in this OPPORTUNITY. (This simple yet profound little opportunity.)

I was immediately flooded with peace. In His presence nothing other than that exist. I sat there and marveled at His love for me.

He is FAITHFUL. He is PRESENT. He is always speaking, and always LOVE. He is faithful to SHOW us the way. He is faithful to teach us over and over until we learn. And I’ve learned that we will ALWAYS be learning!

Don’t get caught up in doing all the things. What Papa desires is an intimate relationship with you. He will speak to you all day long. He will give you answers and show you the way if your heart is surrendered to Him.

Let’s open our agendas, our eyes, our ears, and hearts and SEEK Him today with all of our being. THIS is the life worth living.

Last night I was having a HORRIBLE night of NOT sleeping. After a couple hours of trying, I realized I hadn’t taken my sleeping medication that I’ve taken for years. It was too late to take it with worry that it would affect me waking up and feeling good.

I was absolutely miserable and my alarm was going off at 4:45.

In the few hours I attempted sleep I began dreaming VERY vividly.

I was fully awake before my alarm ever went off, so I slowly made my way to make my coffee.

Every time I dream I try hard when I wake to recall as much as I can as I’m waking up. God speaks to me in my dreams very often. I’ve made it a habit to ask Him to, and I’ve learned to expect it. Sometimes I realize it’s Him instantly and I wake up, but also sometimes I realize or get revelation after reflecting on what I remember.

Without going into too much personal detail, as I was remembering I remembered my husband in the dream and having a knowing that we were a couple. There was intimacy between us and the same feeling of the work we put into our marriage and life together.

BUT in a whole other phase of my dream there was another man who had the most beautiful eyes and the way he looked at me was mesmerizing. I felt completely known, completely vulnerable, and completely DESIRED. The way He looked at me made me feel deeply loved with a sense of full contentment. I remember him telling me that he knew and loved everything about me; every quirky detail, every detail of my past, all my imperfections… he was smiling as he told me. I remember in my dream feeling the most love I had ever felt.

While I was dreaming I did not know who the man was, but after waking and immediately trying to recall and not lose it, I was thinking, “ Wow. That was intense!” And immediately I almost felt a little weird about it being another man, but as quickly as that thought came a whisper from Jesus came to my heart saying, “Erin, that was Me…

I AM the only One who can fully love you like you crave to be loved and fully give you contentment in being desired and treasured.

Never take your eyes off of Mine.

Keep locked into my gaze.

I am your source of fulfillment and I will NEVER leave you.”

I wanted to stay paralyzed in that revelation. I begged, “Lord, don’t let me EVER, EVER forget that encounter.”

I was wrecked the whole morning thinking about it. I often wonder why me? Why do I get to have these encounters when I spend so much time begging for those I love to have them?

His grace. It’s unfathomable. It’s beyond logic.

He was giving me encounters years before I knew Him. Years before I loved my Bible. Years before I surrendered my life to Him.

He just continues to pour grace and love over me.

I don’t deserve it. I could never earn it. I’ve gotten so many things wrong so many times.

I’m in a season where I’ve had a lot of questions about churches, Bible translations, preachers… who’s getting it right? Was the context of those words correct? Am I believing wrong?

And Jesus just swoops in and says, “ Erin, I’ve been leading you your entire life. Just keep following me. Keep looking. Keep asking. Keep expecting.

Don’t fall into the trap of trying to figure me out. Don’t waste your days, your hours, your precious moments. Just be lead by Me. You hear My voice.

And peace ushers in.

Then I cry tears of gratefulness because He’s always been faithful to me whether the issue is small or large. I’m completely undone by the love and the grace He’s given me.

The day before the night of my dream Mike and I had some time together which is rare. It was absolutely gorgeous outside so we went on a jog together and came back to the house with some more time to enjoy before little ones start getting home. Over the last few months we have been reading a devotion together called The Love Dare. I’m sure many of you have heard of it.

Since we had been reading it separately I asked him if we could start reading it together.

That day, after our workout, I asked him if he wanted to read it together. He said sure and said HE would read it.

I stood behind him as he read hugging him with my head on his back. These are moments I’ve yearned for for years. Two hearts together postured to love and learn from our Heavenly Father.

I was listening to him read something that wasn’t just good but rather profound.

The devotion said that as a husband and wife our chief objective should be to honor the Lord with devotion and sincerity.

I don’t know how many times I’ve felt the hurt feelings of Mike not making me feel special. Or upset that it doesn’t occur to him to think outside the box and make me “feel” desired. I am guilty of wanting to be treated like a princess and falling into the trap of disappointment.

This was a deeper revelation that I should take that expectation off of him. It sets him free and it sets me free.

Our focus should be on Jesus. Our source of fulfillment should be FROM Him and not from one another. He alone should be our source and our supply.

This is how we were created. It’s how we are wired. We were made to crave.

Our spouses were never meant to be the one to fulfill our desire to be desired!!

As Mike was reading I received it. I was in agreement. I could see in that moment how this WAY and TRUTH sets us both free of the expectation to fulfill each others needs. We should be so grateful for this.

As I was dreaming that night Papa gave me a gift by making what He was teaching me in that devotion a reality so it could become real or manifested in my life.

He leaves me speechless. I really have no other words. He just continues to blow my mind by His love for me. I don’t fully grasp the depth of it, but I want to with all my heart. It’s my core desire while I’m on this earth. Every other lofty idea for what life is supposed to be about fails in comparison to knowing His love.

The other day Mike and I had an argument. I walked away from him with hurt feelings and just a deep longing to feel loved.

I was complaining within myself and asking why it seemed to always be a struggle. Years of STRUGGLE. I was tired of feeling that way. Marriage can be hard and marriage is work.

I went to my chair and prayed and began pouring my heart out to Papa.

Even though I did not FEEL like reading, I went to my devotion about LOVE . I opened it up to the days reading and read the words, “ The Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire.”

(My desire was to feel loved and valued.) I heard Him whisper that ((He)) can fulfill that desire I long for, and that I shouldn’t look for it anywhere else than from Him. When I crave it I should run to Him.

I was literally made with this longing on purpose and given only one True fulfillment but …I was given freedom of choice.

Then as I skimmed through (feeling all the sad feelings) a bit reluctant to read, there was paragraph about the Samaritan woman at a well. These words seeped into my soul. “ What He offered her was a drink of soul satisfaction that never quits giving and refreshing. And that is what’s available to you each morning at sunrise and each night before bed, no matter who your spouse is OR WHAT THEY HAVE DONE TO YOU. God is your everyday supply of everything you need.”

I sat there overwhelmed feeling His warmth embrace me. “No matter WHAT they have done, He is all I need.” I cried because once again I had forgotten.

Although I had forgotten, when I run to Him, He comforts and reminds me.

I immediately remembered, as I say there in that loving embrace, that ((I )) am crucified. I’M with HIM and no longer in “myself.” I’m here FOR others, and to reveal my Father. Just like Jesus.

My husband is NOT my fulfillment! He CANNOT love me and fulfill me the way Papa does. It’s not about ME anymore, and I had slipped into that fleshly state of “woe is me.”

The truth is that I AM LOVED and this love is more than I could ever imagine or ask for. So why would I desire anything else? Anything else that I desire this love from is desiring pearls when I have a multitude of diamonds.

Papa, took me higher to see what was happening. I asked Him to forgive me as I wiped away the tears. These moments are my opportunities to grow closer to Him. These opportunities allow me to go higher and see what’s happening in my life the way He does and He gives me divine knowledge into what’s happening in the spiritual realm.

This pressure and these circumstances I keep finding myself in AWAKEN me from my slumber. Because of them I’m becoming the warrior He’s calling me to be.

In the crushing of the olives flows the anointed oil. In the crushing of the grapes flows new wine. Coincidence that I’ve had the song New Wine stuck in my head the last couple of weeks?

He reminded me of Job and how he had all the “opportunities”, and Job was faithful.

True faith puts its trust in what it cannot see. But can I tell you a secret? Each time I react in FAITH He SHOWS me the TRUTH of what’s really happening. I feel more comforted and more loved than I could have imagined and the last thing I feel is blind.

I went to bed that night with a grateful heart. I picked up my Bible and read only a few sentences in Matthew before one phrase seared my heart.

“Afterward, the Holy Spirit led Jesus into the lonely wilderness in order to reveal his strength against the accuser by going through the ordeal of testing.”

Matthew 4:1

“The Holy Spirit LED Him INTO” set my heart on fire.

It wasn’t happenstance. The Holy Spirit LED Him! Led Him into “opportunities” to “REVEAL His STRENGTH against the accuser!”

These opportunities are DIVINE. These opportunities make us CLOSER to Him when we choose faith. These opportunities that “seem” awful , are actually our opportunities to grow in faith and supernatural strength.

What Satan means for evil, God makes good for those who love Him. These opportunities make our spiritual vision laser sharp! He transforms it into a tool that strengthens my faith! God uses the STRUGGLE!

I’m still in awe at all the revelations He’s been giving me.

I’m leaving out SO MANY little sacred details. There are too many to list. It’s overwhelming and I chuckle at saying that because I BEG Him for MORE and when He gives it, it feels unbearable. Under the weight of His glory sometimes I feel like I can’t bear it.

For the sake of this story I’m going to jump ahead a bit. The other day I had told Lyssy I would help her find the right Christmas promise for her Christmas rainbows. I was doing my research and not too far into it I “suddenly remembered” my favorite Christmas verse.

I learned it from one of my favorite books Through The Eyes Of A Lion. (Which my son and I just “happen” to be reading right now. His first time and my hundredth).

“Jesus has abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.” 2 Timothy 1:10

That same night after reading my Bible and having the revelation about the Holy Spirit leading , true Life and dying to myself, I also settled in my mind that THIS was the verse Lyssy needed to use for Christmas. Its about why Jesus came to us and why we celebrate His birth and life.

All the revelations He’s giving me are coming full circle.

We don’t die. We continue on living. Our eyes close on this earth only to be opened right back up in eternity where we will live forever. More alive than we’ve ever been.

Living on this earth is literally a blip in our immortal lives. But not only is this about being immortal and heaven being our true home, but I also see how it’s for here on earth as God our Father let’s heavens kingdom invade our lives.

The more we ( our natural man )are crucified with Jesus (death) He brings us into true life as He meant for us to have.

Our eyes close to living for “self” and are opened to live on this earth with heavens reality and spiritual vision.

Jesus died on the cross for us to take hold of what was behind the veil.

It’s our gift.

After Jesus came to be our example to follow we got another gift, the Holy Spirit, to help us follow Him. To help us follow Him all the way to the cross and then be set free to fly after death to self and resurrected life.

Sitting and taking in these truths I nearly said out loud I feel so free. I feel like chains holding me down were broken and I was set free to fly. Fly high above earths order.

The next morning really early I had my sacred quiet time and at the end , before I hit the ground running, I always study promises and choose one that speaks to me to write down to put in Lyssy’s lunch.

Like a neon sign the promise “ You will know the truth (Jesus) and the truth will set you free” stood out to me. I sat in His presence and marveled. My spirit was dancing with joy.

Papa was speaking to me through this promise. “Erin, I’m teaching you these truths so you can be free to fly.”

After a few minutes of soaking in His presence I always look at my Facebook memories. It’s been a habit of mine for years because Papa has spoken to me countless times through them. I go there expecting to hear Him.

The first thing that popped up was a picture of my lion…. with the verse 2 Timothy 1:10.

My heart leaped out of my chest. Like a child I still get overly excited when He speaks and affirms me. For as long as I live I will never stop letting Him be my everything.

Realizing that He was affirming me was another warm embrace. It doesn’t matter what’s going on, what anyone says, how anyone else feels or what their opinion is, when Papa speaks it after falling to my knees, I follow and obey.

This is how He leads me.

I went running that morning nearly running on clouds just completely overwhelmed with His love for me. I started telling Him all the things I was overwhelmingly grateful for; all the things He was orchestrating and doing in my life. For all He was teaching me and speaking to me.

After my run I was taking my shoes off at the table where Lilly’s Jesus Calling was opened and I leaned over to read it. Her devotion is always laid out and it’s another thing I am excited each day to read because He usually speaks to me through it.

I look for Him like a child playing hide and seek with her father. All day I’m filled with excitement as I look in all the places to find Him. My soul yearns for Him. As I was standing there reading after my run, the first thing I read was,

“This is a time of plenty in your life. Your cup overflows with blessings. Enjoy this time— it is My gift to you.”

He astonishes me everyday and in Him I am fulfilled.

Am I willing to patiently persevere these afflictions to have these moments in His presence? Am I willing to drink the cup? Within them secrets are revealed. Healing is found and joy abounds.

My heart cries out a resounding yes!!!! I would give up everything for THIS love. In the midst of my struggle I can find my confidence in His love and presence and I can be assured He’s using it for my good.

Last night I wrestled with posting this. I wrestled with sharing the intimate details of my life. I even asked my daughter her opinion on if I should share. Speaking it out loud though I heard the Holy Spirit giving me the answer. I felt strongly that people need REAL. They need raw and transparent. They need more people to be vulnerable.

I came to a conclusion to what He was telling me about sharing.

This morning this is what my devotion said.

“We will discover if their passion in awakened.

THERE I will display my love for you.

Song of Songs 7:12.

“When people know you are a radical follower of Jesus, they watch. Whether you like it or not, your life is an advertisement for the kingdom of God. The way you handle disappointment, honor and serve others, and view life will either attract or repel others.

The power and reality of your relationship with the Lord should create desire for Him in others. It’s important not to hide behind a mask of pretense, trying to convince people that the Christian life is always enjoyable. They need to journey with you, hear your struggles and victories, and watch as you find strength in God. Your love for Him should be evident. Your hope should be contagious. Keep your spirit and soul healthy and saturated in His presence. When your whole, you will shine and release His love every chance you get. Attract people to the realities of loving Him.”

((7:12 are numbers God uses to speak to me. He wants me to remember His faithfulness when I see them and to remember all He’s done for me.))

Friends, He is BEYOND faithful!!! I wake up and am overwhelmed by His goodness. He’s everywhere and waiting for us to seek Him. He’s everywhere and with us every second and in every detail of THIS day.

If you seek Him and find Him you will experience joy unspeakable no matter WHAT you are walking through.

Always only Jesus.

If you are reading this and know me very well at all then you know the biggest part of my life’s testimony has been about my marriage.

God has transformed my life, matured me, taught me the power and mystery of forgiveness, taught me the power of not being offended, taught me how to be selfless, and taught me how to love and honor, through Mike and I’s relationship. He’s used this relationship to reveal to me how to LOVE as He has commanded us to love.

It’s been a slow journey with many up’s and down’s as I’ve learned. He has had to replace all my thinking with a new way of thinking. He’s changed my old thought patterns and replaced them with His.

He has actually taught me the MOST about abiding IN Him, and walking step by step with the Holy Spirit, through my marriage relationship.

Our difficulties have driven me to my knees countless times and for a number of years. I would never be able to fix my marriage myself without divine intervention. This is what Papa wanted all along. He was just waiting for me to get to a point where I would surrender.

It took me a long time to come to the end of myself.

I used to beg and plead for God to change Mike, but little did I know that He was using Mike to change ME and transform me into His likeness. To have a heart like His and to see the world through His eyes.

He used 1 Corinthians 13:3-7 to lazer the plaque that had grown on my heart. I had read this verse since I was a little girl, but this time it was different. God was like a surgeon blasting the gunk with Light using this verse.

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud.

It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”

1 Corinthians 13:4, 6-7

I was not patient, and I often wasn’t kind to Mike. I was very bitter and holding on to resentment. Now, this story isn’t about him and what he did wrong or about what he shouldn’t have done. By God’s standard of love no matter how much hurt either of us were causing, we BOTH greatly missed our target of loving by God’s standard and command.

But the concern between a Father and a daughter is JUST about MY part in it. A Father isn’t concerned about “the other person,” right? How many times have we said as parents or heard, “ I don’t care what so and so is doing. I care about YOU!”

I was proud.

I wasn’t showing him respect.

I was giving up.

I wasn’t hopeful.

I wasn’t enduring.

I wasn’t putting him first.

And I wasn’t looking and focusing on the best in him.

I was GUILTY of not loving Mike the way he deserved to be loved by his wife and also as I’m CALLED to love by my Father.

He used this verse to transform my heart and my thinking. All I could do was trust Him as I began loving Mike the way I was supposed to.

I put it pretty much everywhere in my house and when I would slip back in to old patterns there it would be to convict me.

Papa has been there through it all and has shown me the way even on the hardest days.

When you are aware of your human brokenness, your in the process of being made new, and your mind and thinking is being transformed, it can FEEL like suffering. Actually it is suffering because you are killing your flesh.

In my case, Mike was staying the same with anger, bitterness, and resentment, but God was changing ME so being in my marriage and trusting was VERY hard.

The suffering that caused me the most pain would be the FIRE God used to make something holy and beautiful. He used it to refine me, and is refining me still.

(Insert tears.)

As the Light began filling me and spilling over into all areas of my personal life, what do you think began happening in my marriage?

I can’t remember if I’ve written about it on my blog or not, but one of my biggest transformative holy moments happened when Mike and I were at what seemed to be rock bottom.

Both of us had lost all hope in our marriage.

I was clinging to God UNAWARE of the sin that was clouding my heart. It was hidden by SELF righteousness, when I would have told you it was God’s righteousness. I was proud of myself and saw zero wrong doing on my part.

I went running one day in this very dark time and on my path I would run past my house. Mike was outside and my eyes locked in on him. We were not speaking to each other which was very common in that season.

I remember it like it was a scene in a movie being played in slow motion. I was running and glanced over at him with heaviness and bitterness in my heart and I heard a thundering almost audible voice say,

“Erin you are not honoring your husband.”

It was if time literally stood still and the earth was silent. I nearly fell to my knees.

God spoke and shined a spotlight on my sin. He revealed it and I wasn’t aware it was even there.

In the midst of all the fighting and hatred we flung at each other, God was showing me that THIS was NOT who He created ME to be.

I was DEVASTATED when He opened my eyes. All I wanted to do was please Him and to be obedient. I was deeply saddened when I saw the hidden ugliness in me.

Papa didn’t show me to scold me, but because He loves me and wanted me whole, and my heart pure.

Not to shame me, but to HEAL me, to save my marriage, and to set me free.

He took my hand and began leading me step by step. This is when He brought 1 Corinthians alive in my life.

At the time that holy moment happened, I could tell you a million things my husband was doing wrong.

I had bitterness, resentment, and pride overflowing in my heart.

I could also tell you a million things that I was doing right!

I was seeking God everyday. I was reading His word everyday.

I was teaching God’s word. I was hearing His voice. I was spending more and more time in prayer.

I had been the one committed to reading devotions to my children. I was teaching them about God. I was praying over them and had been for years.

I had done years of bible studies.

I had led bible studies.

I did all the things….

But in that one moment, that one earth shattering moment, my world turned upside down.

You would think I would have argued with Him or made excuses, ( because I was doing all “the things” …) but this experience was so powerful that being treated fairly was the last thing on my mind. I knew I had to repent of my ways and obey no matter WHAT. It’s not everyday you have an experience like this. The Creator of the universe called me out. I sensed His power and might but also sensed His love.

I KNEW in an instant like He literally allowed me to see for the first time how I wasn’t being obedient to His word.

It had nothing to do with Mike and everything to do with me.

I was actually dis-honoring Mike.

It didn’t matter what he was doing or saying or if he “deserved” it.

I was to be accountable to myself.

I repented and vowed to start honoring my husband. I had no idea what that was going to look like when at the time Mike was not very fond of me, but I trusted and obeyed. Let’s just say I was about to have a million opportunities to grow in GRACE. The same grace I was given.

Papa would then spend the next four years teaching me what it means to love selflessly like He loves. To love others in the same way that He’s always loved me. To see them how He’s always seen me. To not focus on other’s sin like He’s NEVER done to me. And to have patience like He’s always had for me.

One of the first things He did was lead me to do a Sozo which brings spiritual healing that I desperately needed. A friend who I considered a spiritual mom was trained and able to walk me through it.

One of the things I was doing wrong was trying to love my family and husband out of brokenness. I never realized how broken I was. I was causing so much of the conflicts between Mike and I because I was living and acting from those hurt places from my past. I was harboring un-forgiveness that needed to be let go so I would be free from the bondage of those hurts. It was in that healing session that I learned to give things to Jesus.

Friends, I never knew…I never knew all the gunk I was carrying that was keeping me from seeing truth.

God loved me enough not to leave me there. He opened my eyes to my sin and brokenness and I was so willing to do the work because I was so grateful for what he revealed.

A prayer I pray often NOW is, “please Father reveal anything in my heart that doesn’t belong there. Please keep my heart pure.” I am so humble because I know now how easy it is to be blind to pride and sin. And when He faithfully reveals things to me, I know what to do with it now.

He gave me the weapons I needed to move forward. He gave me the gift of spiritual discernment for some dark times that He knew were ahead. Things didn’t just immediately change. I had lots of work to do and healing was gradual. I had so much to learn. I had to encounter some hard seasons but He comforted me through them and never left me alone.

Papa taught me to abide in Him and really hear His voice. I learned to die to my old ways day by day as He began making me new. I was learning to love like He loves.

He showed me how much He dearly loves Mike and taught me to focus on all his amazing qualities.

Through my marriage I have learned of the invaluable lesson of being and living no longer for myself, but by being selfless and trusting in Papa’s way for me which looks NOTHING like this world. It’s the very opposite of this worlds way.

This way looks like the way of His kingdom.

It looks weak to the world we live in, but it’s supernatural POWER waiting for us when we step into it, and take a hold of it.

He’s not only taught me how to love my husband, but my children, and others as well.

Heaven has invaded my life as I’ve taken hold of and been obedient to this way.

This way is a calling to honor and love even when things don’t seem right or fair. And He has brought healing to my heart and is transforming my marriage into something more beautiful than I could of ever imagined.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t always get it right. But oh how my heart longs to try. It’s only by His power and strength in me. Sometimes my old nature rears it’s ugly head but the second I realize it I repent and ask for forgiveness. I don’t let it grow. I pull up the weed by the roots and throw it as far as I can.

A few weeks ago Mike and I began reading a devotional together called “The Love Dare.” I’m sure you’ve heard about this one. It’s been around for awhile.

(Friends, this is a miracle.)

It’s the first devotion in ALL our fifteen years that he’s been WILLING to read with me.

(I read this devotion by myself when I first started healing. When God was showing me what it means to love.)

God is working.

He is healing.

He loves us fiercely.

Every single day I have to put on this love and abide in His Spirit. I try to focus on the day I’m in, and that has given me so much freedom, and brought me so much joy.

He refined me while walking through the fire but He was in the fire with me every step of the way. Dying to yourself can feel much like suffering but we can take solace in the fact that Jesus paved the way and we are following Him to victory.

He will use what we walk through for His glory! He will make it beautiful and He will make your mess your message!

A couple of years ago God have me a gift, but figuring it out was a bit of a mystery. I knew he wanted me to know Galatians thoroughly. So recently my close friend and I did an intense study on Galatians. It was powerful. I learned so much through it, but never really had an ah ha moment that I was expecting.

Well the last few months I’ve been hearing God more than I ever have in my life. I will NEVER forget this season. So the other night I went to bed so grateful for all He was revealing to me that I could hardly bear it. I wanted to explode. So many dots were being connected and my awareness of Him has been insane. As I was talking to Him and thanking Him for the Holy Spirit that has been working through me , I was asking why so much now?

But right in that moment when my spirit was dancing with His He gave me Galatians 2:20.

He just downloaded it on my brain.

I just began weeping.

Not only was it the mystery and importance of why He wanted me to understand Galatians, but it was also a kiss from Him because I have being doing it in my life and that is why I’m experiencing so much of Him and because of that my marriage has been turned around!!!

(Insert lots of tears.)

And to top that off He also reminded me that Galatians 2:20 was the very first verse I ever memorized.

(Lots of more tears.)

He is in ALL the details of our lives. And cares about ALL the details of our lives! He astounds me!

So, Mike isn’t big on celebrating like I am and he’s not very big on buying sentimental gifts, but for our anniversary recently he surprised me with a crucifix from James Avery.

He excitedly gave it to me with tears in his eyes and told me how he looked so hard for the perfect one.

I have worn the same cross from James Avery for years and years, but I gladly accepted this precious and priceless gift to wear for probably the rest of my life.

Mike had NO idea what God was stirring in my heart and revealing about having the way of the cross within our marriages. And NO idea that God had just given me Galatians 2:20 as an answer to why I was experiencing His victory in my circumstances and experiencing His presence like never before!

How good and faithful and trustworthy is our God?

And how amazing is my husband?

Another amazing detail is that Mike is catholic and the crucifix is special to him. It’s as if by me taking it as my own was another chance on this special day to give my vow to take him as he is. Another chance to love him with a different kind of love. A love that went to the cross to prove it.

I will probably be wearing this necklace for the rest of my life. It speaks to my heart on so many levels. My husband is amazing. He has the most beautiful heart.

I was so blind and now I finally see.

Some of my best advice that I remind myself of often is that things are seldom as they seem.

We are in a spiritual battle everyday of our lives. We have to fight!

Ephesians 6 is one of my favorite passages.

“For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere.”

Ephesians 6:12-18 NLT

Don’t be fooled that those battles are not for our ordinary day to day lives.

We have to wear our armor in day to day life even at home and within our marriages.

How we see others and how we choose to love is everything.

Thank you, Jesus, for showing us the way!

A sweet woman kindly asked me to write a little testimony for her for encouragement.

She had posted a quote to which I replied, “Amen, I have experienced that!” She then asked if I would be willing to elaborate. The quote was this,

“Eyes away gives freedom to change. Worry causes it to stay the same. Take eyes off and give to God to change.”

Today while thinking about what to share, the Lord put on my heart to share these simple stories that where the most recent in my life as an example or testimony.

My birthday was earlier this month. I had my daughter on my birthday so for the last 14 years on my birthday I’m always planning hers and thinking of how to make it special.

I should probably tell you that I love making my family feel special on their birthdays because this is how I grew up.

Every single year, especially my 40th, I’m disappointed and heartbroken at my husbands lack of effort at making me feel special.

This year was no different. It came and went and for some irrational reason I felt hurt that I wasn’t celebrated by my other half.

Even writing this I feel emotions churning.

BUT, starting with my 40th, Papa began teaching me something and this year my 42nd it hit home.

My emotions were heavy when I began “feeling” like I’m not worthy of being made to feel special.

I’m not trying to make you feel sorry for me. It has a powerful clincher I promise!

And in those feelings I heard Papa sweetly say,

“Erin, those thoughts and feelings your having are not TRUTH. I want you to give them to me.”

I’m going to insert a side note here. Papa and I have had this little thing we share that when I have the heaviest most hurt gut wrenching feelings, I wrap them up and almost like in a vision , because I can see Him, I hand them over to Him.” I cry every time. With His sweet tender look in His eyes and a with a gentle grin, He takes them from me.

He always in the most kindest way reminds me that my life isn’t about ME. I always feel a ton of weight lifted off of me in that moment.

He wants to be who fulfills our needs and even gives us more than we could’ve imagined. More than any person even our husbands can give.

We have to be patient and know that He wants us fully healed, AND our spouses fully healed. He is working His way in all of us because we are all His dearly loved children.

Satan wants us to be hurt and disappointed and he also wants us to keep record of the wrong and to hold on to a little bit of that bitterness.

We can absolutely NOT do that! We are in a Spiritual battle and we must not play with fire. We have to be absolute in our obedience.

It’s not about us not even on our special day once a year.

The disappointment I was feeling that was replaced with unspeakable joy is something I would never change for the world. I got a taste of heaven by handing that hurt over to Him.

We need our husbands to have God‘s healing and for them to want to celebrate us out of love not because we have made them feel like they have to. We have no control in this matter. It is up to the big guy. But we can pray and love and encourage our husbands.

Papa meets us in our need. He wants to walk with us and be our fulfillment. He can fill us to the extent that we are willing to let go and let Him.

The funny thing is WE are being healed and being made stronger in this whole transaction. We want Him to change them but He’s actually changing and growing us!

Isn’t that just like Him? I love Him so much.

He is renewing our minds. He’s changing OUR patterns.

He tells me to speak life over my situation. To speak and declare truth over what I WAS perceiving until that TRUTH is my reality.

So I said, “ My husband loves me unconditionally. He’s always thoughtful and so extravagantly helpful. He’s an AMAZING father to my children. He carries so much in our marriage. I never doubt his faithfulness and loyalty. He makes me laugh. He is constantly serving me in his own way that I didn’t recognize for a long time.” He’s wonderful in a million ways.

That’s the TRUTH. Those are thoughts I am to meditate on.

If my thoughts are ever about “woe is me” I need to have a moment and ask God how He is viewing what I’m facing. Anytime I make anything about ME I should evaluate the thoughts and discern where they are coming from. (Gal.2:20)

Then He told me that HE is my true fulfillment. He gives fulfillment that no human can give and I need to only find my worthiness in Him. I can’t expect my husband to be my fulfillment. That is putting unrealistic expectations on him.

I’ve learned that sometimes our expectations can come from our own brokenness. We all have it. We have it because we live in a fallen world. I felt affirmed growing up by my parents while I was a little girl by them doing little things to make me feel special. My family was FAR from perfect. But needless to say this was their way. Instead of being fully fulfilled by God growing up, I felt loved by these actions.

Mike did not grow up this way. This has not been a pattern in his entire life. To put this expectation on him would be unfair and unrealistic. It would also be foolish and bit selfish.

I had such a thankful moment with Jesus after He took my garbage, that I could have walked on clouds.

His LOVE is all I need. The joy His love gives me is unspeakable and He celebrates me everyday.

A thought I love to think about is “things are not as they seem.” What we see with our eyes and un-renewed thoughts will try to take us down broken roads, but friends we know THE WAY. We know the way of the cross. We know the upside down kingdom. We know the way of God’s kingdom is not logical. It’s our job to discern those feelings and apply truth to them.

And guess what happens when we choose to look to Jesus?

FREEDOM. Christ died on a cross for our freedom. We are no longer bound to this worlds ways. Thank you, Jesus!!🙌🏻 And not only did this set ME free but it set my husband free as well!!! And he didn’t even know it!😂

The same exact thing happened again just yesterday that I want to share as well.

I was reading a devotion a few days ago that was talking about being jealous and I thought immediately, “ Well that doesn’t apply to me because I’m not a jealous person.”

So I walked off convicted that I wrote it off and so I asked the Holy Spirit to show me if there was any way in me that was rooted in jealousy that He wanted removed.

The next morning my husband did something that caused a reaction in me. ((Should be my red flag!))) It was in regard to one of our children, and immediately I began hearing lies. I won’t lie, I engaged with my feelings and emotions and then moments later I just smiled. I hung my head in realization that THIS is EXACTLY what I asked Him to reveal to me. This was a jealousy based on a lie that I had allowed to fester in my heart.

I repented and asked Him to forgive me. He dug that rooted lie up out of my heart and threw it out. I’m insanely happy but tears flow when I write this because of how good He is to me and how miserably often I get it wrong.

This is why friends we have to walk every moment out with Him step by step. It’s a matter of life and death. We have to be responsible for our thoughts. This is so important. Our thoughts are the spies that determine whether or not we will take a step in faith. They matter so much. We cannot walk by what we see. We must walk by faith and let our faith work its way in us.

When we feel discouraged, hopeless, jealous, angry, hurt… we cannot stay there! We have to look to Jesus and His truth and meditate on the good. That darkness does not belong to Him. We have to find a promise or remember one we already have or find a verse and speak it into our reality!

I’ve been having such revelation about all of this. My heart is burning with passion about it. This is what it looks like to have the Holy Spirit working through our lives. We get ourselves out of the way and let Him have His way in and through us!

If we walk with the Holy Spirit from day to day moment to moment He gives us the grace we need in all things. The fruit of that relationship will grow into LIFE giving fruit and it will overflow to others. And not only that, we get to experience heaven on earth and see a glimpse of what eternity will be.

We will be completely overcome by Love.

I hope my vulnerability in sharing helps someone. I’m learning so much but still have so much to learn!

In this season of my life I have become so intimately aware of the Holy Spirit and how He leads me. I wake each morning with a heart overflowing with gratefulness for His presence. I feel like there is nothing else in the world that I need.

He has been wooing me, leading me, surprising me, and teaching me. The other night something happened and I became angry with my husband. I kept my frustration in and he ended up going to bed earlier than me. My frustration was out of feeling like he was being a hypocrite and the situation that had arouse he was displaying a double standard.

I’m in this sweet sweet spot with the Holy Spirit so when these feelings of anger entered I immediately ask Him to show me how to see this situation from His perspective. I do this with nearly every situation in my life now. I also ask very often for anything in my heart that isn’t pure to be revealed. I have learned how easily Satan can get us to see things from a wrong perspective and also how he likes to strike at your sweet spots. You know… the things that get you all riled up? I also know how easily it is to be tempted to fall into self pity, pride, and all the things that can soil a pure heart.

So these two things are huge for me to turn that light on and dispel any lie I might me believing or trick I’m falling for.

So back to my story… I was heading to bed feeling very frustrated and angry. Whether it was warranted is beyond the point. However my feelings were very real and raw. I walked into my bedroom where my husband was already sleeping with my bedside lamp still on. It was very late but my oldest daughter asked me to wait on her to come tell me goodnight before I fell asleep. She asked me if I would read a book for a bit until she was ready. So feeling all these feelings but needing to hear from heaven to rightly process them I reached on my bookshelf and grabbed a favorite book that I reach for when I want to feel a closeness to Jesus. I hadn’t read this particular one in a very long time. The book is a commentary on the Song of Solomon and I hear the Holy Spirits sweet voice nearly every single time I read it.

I opened to a “random” page not by coincidence and began reading.

I’m going to point out first that the Holy Spirit has spoken to me through books before I was reading God’s word for myself… since I was a little girl. He speaks to me in many ways now but still very often through books.

The chapter I randomly opened to was called A NIGHT VISIT.

I’ll summarize what I read. It starts off by explaining that the Beloved (Jesus), at night, is knocking on the Shulammite’s (my) door. “Open to me” He pleads, but the Shulammite hesitates. The Shulammite because of her sensitivity to His voice and in her relentless obedience knows He is calling her into new realms of intimacy. Because it is nighttime and it is an “inconvenient” time (remember I’m lost in anger toward my husband) the Shulammite begins feeling entitled in her role because of her commitment to her Beloved all day.

She misinterpretes His intention to bring her into deeper intimacy.

At this point I’m starting to understand where the Holy Spirit is taking me. My defenses begin to crumble but He keeps going.

The story begins to remind me about suffering well as Jesus did. “Every soul who desires the depths of God must be perfected through suffering. It is in the crucible of affliction that a soul discovers its true purpose. It is through suffering that the Father extricates the soul from the love of this world so that the souls capacity for loving Him might be enlarged.”

Part of my back story is that I have learned of this such suffering so I was understanding what was being said. But then it continued…

“She (me) has not FULLY comprehended the extent to which her desire for a shared life would intrude upon her own physical and emotional comforts. Faced with this new understanding, she hesitates.

He (Jesus) keeps persisting for her to open the door to her heart. “Actually it was the Shulammite who initiated the process that has led to this bedtime encounter. In a moment of spiritual courage, she invited the winds of adversity to blow in order to intensify the fragrance emitted from the garden of her heart, hoping to make herself even more alluring to her beloved.”

The Holy Spirit here is showing me how I was longing for His touch and perspective. I was willing to let Him be involved instead of letting my emotions rule the situation.

Knowing her heart and sincerity He persist even though she hesitated because that is what Jesus does. His desire is to shake her out of complacency; the complacency of letting her emotions run wild. He grabbed her attention because He persisted. He was allowing the Shulammite the opportunity to willingly open the door to her heart.

“Witnessing the tangible evidence of her beloved’s persistent love, the Shulammite’s feelings are aroused. Torn between a feeling of shame and rekindled desire, she rises to open the door. The proud will never know God. Only the humble are willing to deny their physical passions and desires in order to obey God in all things large and small. For the Shulammite to experience greater intimacy with her beloved, she must mortify every self-indulgence: self-absorption, self-applause, and those ever so subtle demands that HER OPINIONS AND FEELINGS BE KNOWN AND UNDERSTOOD BY OTHERS.”

She (I) was forgetting and violating humility’s prime directive: to regard others as more important than oneself.

When He speaks to me every single thing else in the world diminishes. I become so overwhelmed with love that anything that threatens to get between He and I hasn’t a chance.

All the feelings of anger and self righteousness I was feeling completely disappeared. There wasn’t a trace. The joy that filled my heart sent me walking on clouds.

He is so faithful.

My daughter walked in to tell me goodnight and it literally felt like I had wakened from a dream. I told her all about what had just happened. It was me in that story.

I woke up the next morning and told the entire story to my husband. He listened and was sensitive to how he made me feel the day before. I could have cared less about the day before OR the issue for it had been taken away.

Imagine what this whole scenario would have looked like if I bought into my pride. I would have still been filled with anger and resentment when I woke and my husband would have been operating in defense mode. It would have not been pretty.

I’m drowning in gratefulness. Deeper intimacy and revelation is all I long for. When you seek Him… He is faithful. When you long to grow and mature in Him… He will show you how. It’s the opposite of how the world operates, but it’s heaven on earth.

Day 6

I worked hard for this one. I’m certainly ready for a day of REST. I painted and threw it away. I painted and threw it away again.
Then I decided to “write” DETERMINED not to give up. Sara Thurman your dedication inspired me to push through my rut of feeling defeated. I was inspired on this day with the idea of us ALL being made in His image. The word honor was heavy on my heart. Honor is easy when it feels good to encourage, but the Bible calls us to honor even when it’s hard. We are called to honor even those far from God that are difficult. Honoring by encouraging and loving we actually are taking the form of a warrior in spiritual warfare. Something shifts in their heart when we respond differently than the world. Honoring no matter what, is crucifying our flesh and walking out Kingdom living.
I’ve seen it with my own eyes. It’s powerful.

Honor Others
Protect their light,
Protect their glory,
Fight the good fight!
Honor Others
Choose to see the gold,
Moving in compassion,
Until LOVE swallows them whole.
Honor others
Even when it’s hard,
Your turning off the dark,
By letting down your guard.
Your love is a weapon,
Fighting what isn’t seen,
Your making a way for heaven,
The truth makes them clean.
Honor Others
Whatever they say,
Whatever they do,
The Holy Spirit makes your way,
Gods glory is in them too!
Honor Others
It’s power.
Honor Others
It’s true.
Honor Others
And forgive them,
Just like God forgave you!
We honor in faith,
We make light shine
Family, friends, strangers too,
In God’s image let’s do this this,
Heaven rejoices when we do!

Within these times of uncertainty and confusion as believers we know that there is a war going on that our physical eyes cannot see.

I used to be blind to my own sin that was quietly sabotaging my life until God’s thundering voice a few years ago gently revealed to me the toxic pride that had been brewing in my heart.

At the time He spoke to me I must tell you how in my mind and outwardly I was doing all the “Christian” things. I was attending church, doing countless studies and had listened to hundreds of sermons. I was reading my bible and reading devotions to my children. I was hearing God’s voice. I was also very much growing in my faith. They were all wonderful things. But right there in the midst of “doing” God out a spotlight on festering ugliness that needed to go if I was to be made whole.

It’s my nature to always be looking outward. I’m always desiring to “help other’s”with good intention. I want to inspire and encourage people but in my pursuit of that I was focusing on perceived wrong behaviors while blindly and righteously ignoring my own. Instead of getting my heart fixed, I was ‘in brokenness’ trying to fix others.

I was a Christian blind to the hidden sin of pride in my life.

My own pride held me hostage in my jaded opinions and instead of being of any help I was actually contributing to the fire. I was resentful, holding on to past hurts, bitter, and felt like I was the righteous one because I was doing all the seemingly right things.

Thankfully before my toxic pride brought death over my life my loving Father removed the scales from my eyes. I was LOVING in natural love and was not loving the way that Gods word commands us to love. I was not being honoring and I was most definitely wallowing in self pity. I was making the issue about me.

It’s so easy to look at the wrong in others and wrong in the world and make decisions in our own minds about what is going to have to be changed in THEM before things are made right.

This is an opinion on the matter and NOT knowledge from the mighty God who created our brains.

When we renew our minds by heeding His word and literally apply His word to our situation miracles begin to happen. Healing happens.

Perhaps the most profound thing we can do as believers is surrender our selves, our hearts, and our human opinions DAILY to God and let Him continuously heal our hearts and give us HIS vision and HIS ability to love supernaturally. Even love who we perceive is fighting against us. Not just love but honor them.

We have to REPENT of living in our flesh and feelings. And ask for His way to rule in our lives.

The wisdom God has given me to carry came through the process of suffering and uncomfortableness that accompanies circumcision of the heart.

Words that were hung over me like a banner during that time was to “suffer well.” God is in our pain as He graciously transforms us. His ways seem impossible. The situation may seem impossible and without hope, but God… nothing is impossible for Him.

The wisdom is that “He always ask me to heed His word/instruction inwardly” before He can work it outwardly through my life. I must be devotedly humble with relentless obedience before He can work supernaturally through me bringing healing to myself and others.

I believe this healing is very necessary to burn bright and to contribute light in this dark time.

Vessels of light “TOGETHER” burn bright.

PRIDE is deceiving and powerfully deceived me as a believer. Satan doesn’t discriminate. He seeks to divide and destroy. He is powerless when Gods word is actively working through our lives. We as believers are his main target. Be on guard! Make sure it’s the Shepherds voice you are following.

The message of the gospel is Christ crucified. He made a way in what seemed impossible by disrupting our order. He made a way to follow. He saves us from death, darkness, sin, and mostly from ourselves, our humanity.

In Him as believers we crucify our flesh and give Him all the rights to our opinions. We in Him have renewed minds and renewed ways of perceiving the world.

PRIDE will tell you that you have the right. Surrendering your life to Jesus is just that. Your “surrendered” to His NEW world order where everything feels upside side down and inside out. That’s because it’s contrary to every fiber of our human flesh.

We must crucify our flesh and pause before reacting to what’s happening before our eyes to allow the Holy Spirit within us to respond to what’s happening in heavenly realm we cannot see.

Yielding our hearts to the Lord is the stance we must all have.

ALLEGIANCE to the Lord, the CREATOR of the universe is the only true solution to this war. The chaos and deception is so heavy that we must stop allowing it to divide and start allowing Christ to heal.

We have to stop choosing sides and choose to stand behind Jesus. Not our past, not our heritage, not our passions, not our “rights”. We let go in faith of all the ways we’ve been wronged. All of us!

Our Fathers extravagant love for us becomes the source of our lives. We begin to see with a new perspective all people, all beliefs, and all races. We see each other through His lens of mercy and grace. We no longer are the victims but become victorious in Jesus name. We begin to have an extravagant love to each other.

With the precious Holy Spirit within us, having our minds renewed, and our hearts surrendered daily we are a force to be reckoned with. We can stand in the face of evil and fight with the weapon of His grace and love. We can have the power to be quiet and listen, we can have the power to see the evil against us and instead of reacting in pride we throw water in the fire by not being offended, seeing it for what it is, and loving.

Surrendering your life to Christ means letting go of what seems fair in the natural. It’s surrendering opinion. It’s giving God control and trusting Him.

A surrendered vessel allows the Holy Spirit to occupy our lives.

Just yesterday I felt that righteous pride welling within me until I nearly burst with being a voice of opinion! It took an active will to crucify my flesh. I’m STILL fighting the urge!

This is a DAILY requirement.

To remember I’m not the lord of my life anymore. And oh is it hard sometimes especially when you feel passionate about something.

This is what we do as Christians!

Opinions are adding oil to the flames. Surrender and prayer are quenching them. Jesus builds bridges instead of hate dividing.

Let’s let His word have its way in our minds and hearts.

We walk by faith and not by sight.

Let’s let 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 be our anthem.

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NLT